dream

its been quite a while since I penned down my self into this blog. apologies for that. now moving on, a lot of happened since the last entry. a person I’m super attached with has left the world with blessings for me, and his depart was certainly more then I could handle. may you rest in peace mr nadarajah, you’ll be always remembered by me for encouraging me to be me and teaching me to embrace others shortcomings as an opportunity to learn. I would love to dedicate an entry for him but thinking of him only makes me so emotional, I’m not wiling to go through another emotional rollercoaster again.

my belief in karma has been reinforced when a certain someone who caused me so much trouble by her attitude is paying for it now. as much as I felt sorry for her, a certain amount of me wished she had to face this adversity without making so much drama, and deliberately including me in it. she is not going to learn her lesson anytime soon,

speaking of that, I guess I’m paying for my karma as well. a precious someone whom i hold close to my heart is acting differently towards me. in the past I have hurt him unintentionally, by which it’s a complicated story I wish not to elaborate further, nevertheless it s sufficient to know I didn’t do it with any intention to hurt him nor without a reason. I regret every moment I make him sad, and he knows I’m more sad then he if I know he is sad, especially if its cause of me. I’m feeling he is drifting far away from me, but then he comes back and for a while its like nothing happened, then I feel the gap again. may be its just me or no I have no idea. but one thing for sure, I’m feeling it and as much as I want to say to him, I scared it would only make things worst. I just wish things would how they were before but that is not going to happened anytime soon. the care, love, attention I felt before is not present as strongly as it was, and any thoughts this might end is just way to scary to think. I never had it in my life till he showed up, and thus I had more yearning then pain of its absence, but now since I tasted it, the yearning for it and the pain that it might cause if I ever loose it, is just suicidal to even imagine. I might not survive it. I wish I can open my heart like hanuman (an well known hindu deity and an crucial character in the indian epic ramayana) and show what I have inside for him but alas, im just me, perhaps in my dream, I can only hope.