scratched shell

the shell is scratched. the defense mechanism is in question. no more amount of compensation seem to reason the block held up high all these years. planning just doesn't seem to make sense anymore. letting it loose seem to scare the daylights out of me. the very identity that brought me through all those hurdles, is about to be reformated. maybe. i lost many years due to a dark secret that i kept to my self for more then 8 years. how can i explain? or shall i just put medication to the scratches and move on, or break free from the ties that binded me? the memory started to haunt me back. i thought i let it go, forgotten it, but now, its back, and this time, i have to face it. i have to , cause the shell is scratched.