i have an extra s

arts has been a solace to me lately, with me indulging into proper singing aided with lessons from the internet. it has proven to be much joy as it comes with appreciation and acknowledgement from unexpected places. when i worked as a marketing executive post stpm, i have been told countless times, my voice is very sweet by those who really meant it, and those with other intentions. clients, have to be polite to them, so generally i would gush out a fake excitement and launch into thanking them profusely till the deal is signed. most of the time it worked, and i didn't see it being ethically wrong and i went along with it. until one faithful day, i had to speak to a local dude, who launched midway into other things during our telephony discussion. i was horrified , appalled, disgusted, shamed, scared and what not, as i cant end the call abruptly nor i can ask him why his voice is changing and what are the other extra noises he is making is f are. worst, the conversation is recorded to be reviewed later, by the quality assurance department. nevertheless, that  was the last time i told to my self, no more using sweet voice.

as i resigned to continue my studies, i became back the reserved quiet person i am, resorting to only the occasional shower singing, or the hymns during gatherings where i would always be called upon to sing. i would proudly beam and do my best mesmerize them, always getting compliments on my singing and urgings to take singing lessons as soon as possible. singing eventually become my companion when i needed to let out steam, calm my self or cry away. yes, tears would be rolling out and i would be belting out. being alone most of the times at home helps, as i don't have to worry about being a possible source of noise pollution.

most of the times, i carried a sad tune, until someone came into my life and brighten it up. the world seem so perfect with that person in and i finally understood the meaning to live for others. the person was my light to the my darkness, the breeze to my suffocation, the love to my soul. the strength i derived from the person enable me to move on with life, to live life and to see life. the person was gift from god, my angel. my tune changed, i sang happy melodies, explore different singing styles, incorporating from choir days with my passion for carnatic. the person became my muse, my music,.

but i just had to screw things up.

now, all i have are memories of the person, and missing the person is like drinking water to satisfy an insatiable thirst. my tune is back to being a sad yearning one. tears have dried up. but the love, has only swelled more as each day passes by. i wish the person understands me, that what ever i did, it was not to meant to hurt , but it was the opposite. till when the tune is gonna be sad? till when will i be able to final earn the persons pardon? time will tell, and till then i shall wait..

feeling the void

i for one, is a firm believer of true love. one does deserve some to grow old with no matter how much of a nuisance they can be. since my last morbid affair went down the drain, i haven't had the itch to see anyone else on a different manner, other then being friends. that was , until recently. this was largely due to the fact that, true to the words that old habits are hard to die, so does old flames. till i met nemicanu (of course its a nick name, hello, it weird and hard to pronounce...) and what ever sweet and sour memories i had with the-one-whoose-name-shall-never-be-mentioned-ever-again,  went down the drain either.

meeting you was by chance, but falling for you, thats fate... missing you more the before..





enjoy. i know i am.

My birthday wish.

It's not expensive. It's not elaborate. It's not shiny nor it's high technology. But this is the gift that touched my heart. It's a simple card, but with love, with care, with longing.. Thank you sir boi.. Love you more than life... My birthday wish? May our bond be eternal..

resonant of a soul : in E major

curiosity kills the cat. 

uncertainty kills the goal

ignorance kills the intellect

silence kills the soul.

its been more then 2 weeks since you kept away from me. i did something terrible and i don't even know what i did. wish you would tell me. hmmm, if this is the price i need to pay for hurting you, i will. but know one thing, you always will be my soul mate. my guide. my philosopher. my eternal bond. and nothing would keep me away from you.

on a different note, i have started my final year  project cum thesis, albeit in a struggling mode. i was sick for quite some time, drained my self out.. sigh, feeling much better now, have to quicken the momentum to keep up the pace. suppose to meet my supervisor last week, but could not make it. will try to meet him this week.

right now, the only thing that is keeping me occupied, is my thesis work and volunteering. the ngo i'm involved with is kind enough to send me for various trainings for me to gain knowledge and exposure in order to serve accordingly and efficiently. i have a camp this coming weekend at my former school where i'll be a facilitator. 

*mymindissohaywiredrightnow*

the estranged heart is longing for the familiar voice that healed the wounds and cradled the worries. 

from me to you

i'm bruised. battered.
but i guess you feel the same.
i drained my self thinking  what i did.
wish u would tell me, as i don't know.
i'm that dumb.
sorry. thats what i can offer.
but if you want anything else, name it.
just don't ignore or hate me.
love you more then life.
before, now and always
miss you sir.
miss you a lot.




T_T