shades of purple

the best story in your life is your own.

the only story you truly live and would die for.

 

the random blurt of an innocent child, the genuine smile of a fellow train passenger, the nod of thanks of the old lady at the queue, the sad puppy face of your dog in the morning asking for breakfast, the annoyance of your kid brother(no matter how old he gets, he is still a kid to you), the stay out of my room stance of your elder sister, the toothy smile of the aged granny across the street, the heartfelt care for a new acquaintance. something's just happen for reasons you don’t know, or question. and when they do, you don’t analyze it, you embrace it, taking it as it comes. sometimes you tend to question, but when you do, just remember, the little bit of joy you get when life gives you a brush with well goodness

life is either seen with shades of white , black and gray for many. I refuse to compute in this manner, for me life is the shade of what I want it to be. and for me it is shades of purple. a mixture of red hot experiences and  cool blue dreams, mixing into the vibrantly serene purple. gather your memories and see what shades sits for you. bon voyage. or rather bonjour.

hiccups

shall I or shall I not?  im not going to loose this. not now, not in the future, not ever. a fighter I am, but a loosing battle is not an option I signed up for. shalli or shall I not?

dream

its been quite a while since I penned down my self into this blog. apologies for that. now moving on, a lot of happened since the last entry. a person I’m super attached with has left the world with blessings for me, and his depart was certainly more then I could handle. may you rest in peace mr nadarajah, you’ll be always remembered by me for encouraging me to be me and teaching me to embrace others shortcomings as an opportunity to learn. I would love to dedicate an entry for him but thinking of him only makes me so emotional, I’m not wiling to go through another emotional rollercoaster again.

my belief in karma has been reinforced when a certain someone who caused me so much trouble by her attitude is paying for it now. as much as I felt sorry for her, a certain amount of me wished she had to face this adversity without making so much drama, and deliberately including me in it. she is not going to learn her lesson anytime soon,

speaking of that, I guess I’m paying for my karma as well. a precious someone whom i hold close to my heart is acting differently towards me. in the past I have hurt him unintentionally, by which it’s a complicated story I wish not to elaborate further, nevertheless it s sufficient to know I didn’t do it with any intention to hurt him nor without a reason. I regret every moment I make him sad, and he knows I’m more sad then he if I know he is sad, especially if its cause of me. I’m feeling he is drifting far away from me, but then he comes back and for a while its like nothing happened, then I feel the gap again. may be its just me or no I have no idea. but one thing for sure, I’m feeling it and as much as I want to say to him, I scared it would only make things worst. I just wish things would how they were before but that is not going to happened anytime soon. the care, love, attention I felt before is not present as strongly as it was, and any thoughts this might end is just way to scary to think. I never had it in my life till he showed up, and thus I had more yearning then pain of its absence, but now since I tasted it, the yearning for it and the pain that it might cause if I ever loose it, is just suicidal to even imagine. I might not survive it. I wish I can open my heart like hanuman (an well known hindu deity and an crucial character in the indian epic ramayana) and show what I have inside for him but alas, im just me, perhaps in my dream, I can only hope.

the return of self esteem

alaya maniyaazh,, oosaiyum neeye..

arutchuvai nadagam aada vanthaiye……..

im back, with clear mind, clear heart and hopefully clear soul. have 2 overdue post, and plus another 2 on d making. will soon hang it up here. oh yeah baby, im back.

spectacles

many things in life comes in packages as every action is followed suit by a reaction, which essentially  lead us to being who we are now. reverting from this norm is next to impossible, as escaping from the impact of our deeds is a feat achieved by very few. so how do we go about, adjusting and adapting to every turn and tribulations, as well as triumph and tokens that life gives us? 

an age old saying has the answer. beauty is in eyes of the beholder. perspective has been playing the all important role in giving us the identity that people associate us with. simply said, it how you see things as opposed to the other version of it, taking things. as much as we think that the two words don't really make any distinguishable differences to the phrase, take another look back and discover the impact of a simple word play.

viewing matter in an openly manner, withholding the urge to criticize and conforming to the thinking of the public is a trade that all of us should pick, sooner. not to say opinions of the mass doesn't matter, the inability to halt the saturation of it and analyse the situation consciously is what we seek to reform.

life, is beautiful. many claim to see it, many acknowledge the phrase. but how many do live with it? taking things for granted, is for some part of our community is boon. the capability to change views of the the large is not impossible, and saying such one of the first step is to change ourselves, radically  to gain strength to pursue it relentlessly when the aches hit us.

doing our bits and parts to make the difference that seem to be on everyones lips but not heart is a take many refuse to do, and few give it a shot. and among those few, i was fortunate to breath some similar thoughts with them. they penned it down, and mine formed clouds above.

those who did write it for others to view, will always be praised in a most default manner. few questioned it and immediately will be labelled with a society traitor sticker. and these are the people who sit and watch tamil serials at home, religiously. how i know? the maturity of their perspective and augmentation of their argument is beyond funny. its just plain stupid, not ignorant, but just stupid. those things two things matches well.period
so for those aforementioned beholders, its time to get spectacles and see the spectacle of life and its beauty. and while you are at it, get a life as well. cheerios

clouds above

thoughts. comes to you when your mind is relaxed for a even a second. floods your conscience with something as simple as whats for dinner or an appointment in your to do list. and then the fleet away. the ones that lingers on, is the one that has the aftertaste, a distinctive feeling that makes you go deep into your memory and search for the past. a thought of some one, an incident or simply something that caught your attention.

 as you ponder on, trailing one after another, a train of thoughts will transform you into a different plane altogether.... emotions will be stirred together in a cocktails of expressions, all boiled down to remorse or contentment.

you know what, remorse kills, but it never leads to death.

dying each time, thinking of you, waiting for you, telling all will be alright. its painful to know that the one you love is hurting you unknowingly, but it's more painful to know that the one that hurts you, loves you just as much as you love them, if nut more. then the waiting induces thoughts about what made them to do this and and then when it hits you, that it's you that all this is happening, you just swallow the choke of tears and wait.

while above clouds of thoughts engulf your conscience for a another bumpy emotional road trip. rendering you to being subjected to scrutinizing by just about who ever you pour out. horror, just when you need it, in the form of a pinching reality check.

the saying idle mind is a devils workshop is so utterly overrated. its more of a poignant cloud releasing machine. clouds, which i digress. now, thats a first. above.

finale

it has finally ended. a saga that started on the day i enrolled my self to do form 6 in 2006. what started out as a dare, then a genuine disliking, evolved into a true liking, matured on to become something more concrete, followed by silent suffering, overwhelming guilt and exaggerated remorse, aged today to become a memory that will serve a mark for me on my only and last attempt to embrace what i am not.

i tried to shake off a part of me that took 5 long miserable and painful years to accept it, to become what the society sees me as, but alas today i had a reality check that, no*pausing and LOLing to the way a character speaks in tv drama*matter how much i tried, it is not going to materialize. i fated to be who i am, albeit knowing that before, i tried. believe me, i tried and the pain is real as well, surprisingly.

this day also reminded me of a support which i treasure very much, and knowing that WE is impossible, being YOU and ME, is more than i can ask for. and to my saga, these last 3 years have only sowed in me the fact, true feelings will never die, it just changes its directions and  for your own good, i hope our paths never cross again. your changed one to many times,  really hope this time, it will last till where you want it and how you want it. sadly enough, i am not going to wait and see it with you and to me, a new beginning awaits me. i hope this will beginning will lead to a good ending, no matter how it is. bon voyage to me and you.

the coincidence of consequence. propagation

principles. the rule we live by. things we believe in. faith. dictates the way we live our live. but what if there is a factor that looms ahead all the time, threatening to disrupt your equilibrium if you don't go their way. if you think any explaining should do any help. you should only try it if they are furnished with the science of reasoning. if not, simple. the answer, hypocrisy. yup, just be a hypocrite. cause you know what, they deserve it.

anguishing over unknown reasons or situations is never going to be the new black, hence why we waste our energy trying to sort things in where they belong? because the after taste of awkwardness, is nut at all sweet. running into people whom we discarded, trashed, stepped over or what not, is always a chance to put it into their face. but not all of us have the inner bitch in us to do the roll call once again, despite the many claims.

some say time and karma will pay back exactly what everyone deserves,i say time and karma is in a illegitimate affair. so, get hold of their little black book, wear your prada's, and get down and dirty. for folks, you live once, you dont have to screw your way to hell, just enough to get to know, how does it feels not to be at the bottom all time  long. this should be our dirty little secret. bon voyage.

recent snaps

been so long since i blogged. sigh. life is tiring. and i owe sumone internet. sigh. will do more next time.

You remembered!

THANK YOU SIR! I DID NOT EXPECT THIS AT ALL! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME.. LOV YA A LOT! HUGGIES..

the coincidence of consequences. initialization

the idea of living one's life stems from various sources. the source with the soundest impact comes from the well, entertainment industry. despite the many positive aspects of it, the shade that colours the lives of many from this palette, is the grey ones. the glitz and glamour rarely fails to attract anyone, and most of the times drenches them with the promise of a happy life.and even painful is the fact that most(or all?) of us know that that these people are PAID to do their act and impress us, the audience, who will lap up anything that our favourite idol throws at us(save for the rarely seen few!). 


and where does this entertainment industry belongs too? another multi billion industry, the parent to this rebellious child, the media. from all its forms, it has the power to draw the interest of the general mass and shape civilizations by influencing the thinking, philosophy, ideology and inducing birth of a new and altering the old culture of life. the evolution of mankind has been and will always be close associated with is the evolution of the media.cause that's communication. expression of thoughts, intentions and opinions on a galaxy of matters, that matters and don't, and communication facilitates creation, continuation, and destruction of civilization, manifesting a whole new generation of people who don't necessarily learn from history. not adamant, but most of the times ignorance is never a bliss.


my relationship with this empire has never been a smooth one. some of the things loved by the mass, appals me. originality is something we hunger for, but how we know what is and what isn't? when i saw one shine, locally that really inspired me, and most importantly accessible, i become hooked. there was my beacon of hope. as all the other kids out there, out to prove something to their parents, i rediscovered the joy that was shut down cruelly by as dad that speaks from a primitive school of thought and an intentionally overbearing mother, albeit with good interests and intentions. i subjected to their authority without any question. i now realised i morphed into someone that is not me. how did that happen?? what shall i do??  its a war. a war i want to face. and for that, the first sign of rebellion. ironed the initial hiccups and i boldly step forward. the coincidence of consequence - karma to all awaits me. have i done the right thing? i don't know. but i'm about to find out.

trust.

where shall i get this?

infant

its the beginning of a new year and i am already in problem. still have one problem to be solved and tomorrow is the deadline. i know i can do it by tomorrow. but its supposed to be a team effort. sigh and i know i am the only one who is cracking my head, never mind the fact that i was sick and still am even though have recovered partially just needed to vent this off. back to work.