last nite

this is the last nite of my sem break that saw many actions or rather changes in my life. tomorrow i will begin my classes with a new sense of freedom. no pretending , but no dual life either. sad, when people you expect to be there for you turn their back and start to condemn and alter you into their reality. really sad.

well, to a new beginning, to a new fight, to a new identity, to a new journey. baby, this is the nite. the last nite..

merdeka

it's that time of the year again. the time where the superiors makes all kinds of gimmick , enticing people into actually thinking that they are the guardians of national identity. the time where people get all wrapped up insemangat patriotik. the time where the flag war starts. the time where the advert people start to make money. the time where, well politicians urge to make more movies about war heroes to educate the young about the sacrifices that they make. kids its MERDEKA time..

besides being a way too much overated holiday, that lost its purpse way before i was born, MERDEKA do have have its message to all of us. nope, its not unity, or perpaduan or one malaysia or two kl or three selangor or stuff.. cause all this is useless if we fail to, well accept. not like in this-is-our-fate-we-are-so-doomed-tiil-eternity kind off thingy, but in a more subtle way, to acknowledge the presence of others and accept them as part of our rich community. rich in the sense of culture, talent, and personality. accepting the others who are different from us, people who don't share the same view with us, will definately pave the way to bridge any gap that is between us.

next i would really love to see change is the cleanliness habbits of our fellow citizens. first, stop throwing rubbish anywhere and everywhere except the bin. and i do dearly hope that there are more rubbish bins available throughout the country, especially zones which has high human traffic. the already available one are eithersedang diselanggara or out of porportion and shape. there is no prize for slam dunkin rubbish into the bin or free throws give any marks to any imaginary teams the cracked up wackos conjured up with. as disgustin as it may sound, many of them dont even give a second thought before pursing the lips and pushing the saliva with brute force out of their system. yes, spitting is anther sickly mortifying habbit of our fellow malaysians. thats one things that they are united in. all are the same breed.

love to cakap cakap a bit panjang, but i dont have the mood nor the nergy..so im ending this post abruptly with a video i took while waitng for lrt at masjid jamek.. H A P P Y M E R D E K A people...

68 pages

i just finished watching a movie called 68 pages by sridar ragayan.

68 Pages : Director: Sridhar Rangayan | Genre: Drama | Produced In: 2007

Synopsis: A searingly honest film about five lives marked by pain and bound by hope - in 68 Pages of a counselor's diary. A transsexual bar dancer, a prostitute, a gay couple - characters often ignored by Bollywood take center stage to tell their stories of pain and trauma, of happiness and hope, of stories never dealt with sensitively. Coming from a country like India that is still in denial, '68 Pages' rips open the underbelly of its society to reveal how it stigmatizes and shuns those who are HIV+ or even those who just want to be what they are.

it stirred something inside me that i thought i lost a long time ago when my serene world came crashing down. my strength to fight the odds. despite what people may think of me, i never let it keep me down or stop me from proving my sceptics wrong. why now? because i realized in my struggle, no one will ever understand me. no one. when there is expectation for one to understand you for who you are, and not discriminate it, you will be crushed when the ones you look upon doesn't. forget about the world, people will keep talking as long as they have tounges but when the ones you love act the same way when all this while they have supported you, cared for you and stood up for you.... let you down, you will shatter into tiny pieces. thats what happened to me. so from now on, no more expectation,

but this movie told an entire diffrent message. learn to love again. love life, love who you are. never loose hope. and most importantly, learn to live your life as from pain , blooms hope and from hope, will bloom love that will fill your lifes eternally.

one month afta confession...

lol...okie, not like its happy or what..but yeah...im actually feeling better now that its out. im done with pretending that everything is okay. so now its time to party...^^

weekend...almost

suppose to be studyin now..but just dont feel like it...have a test on visual basics tommorrow.. somethimes i feel like giving up..why do i have to work so hard..i dont get to do what i like, to explore my potential, to see what i'm capable off, to shine for one, to make my parents proud...

i see so many people out there, the ones i sit and study togather in class, the ones i get to know from the net, they have so much of happy memories to share, so much joy, all i have is bitterness, a cynical view of life. jealousy of their happiness, something that i never can get, something i never got..

feel like ending up everything, but my stubborness to quit stops me from ending it..im a fighter, but the promise of light at the end of the tunnel is so faint, that i loose focus easily most of the time.. i dont even know how to fake fakeness anymore.. tears have dried up.... and yet i still here, giving in to others, let them pursue their dreams and sacrificing for them. when it wil be my turn?

why me was the question i use ask alot, but now a days i console myself, promising it will be better tommorrow... only to get diced, sliced, chopped again..its kinda like a routine now..a routine that i will never get immune of..almost...